Sorry

TW: Discussion of sexual assault

Been dreading the day I would run into you again

Praying I’d be lucky enough to avoid you

But knowing I’m always brought back to you

You look exactly the same, my heart stops dead in its tracks.

You’re even wearing a beanie, just like the one you wore when you took me to Homecoming

In the fanciest attire two teenagers can find, yet your favorite grey beanie still was attached to your head

It’s impossible to imagine you without it now

While I recognized you immediately, I wonder if I was familiar to you at all

With different hair, different voice, different gender

Even though I’m a different person now, do you still remember your first?

I surely do.

How humbling, to run into the person who assaulted you in a fast food chain.

To enjoy the food that you made with the same hands that tore me apart

To hear you apologize for a missed order

To hear the “sorry” I’ve craved for so long

To accept an apology for something I couldn’t care less about

I’ll never get the apology that I want or need

Even if I did, I’ll never be the person I was before you hurt me.

I’m honestly relieved you don’t recognize me.

I don’t think I could handle your recognition, and neither could you.

How would you react if you knew your first love was standing in front of you?

Maybe you’d stumble over your words, let guilt consume you for the three months of hell only a 15 year old boy is capable of putting a girl through

Maybe you’d be calm and happy to see someone you spent years pining after

Maybe you’ve moved on better than me, not realizing how you’ve picked me apart

Maybe our relationship doesn’t weigh on your every interaction now

Maybe it hasn’t shaped every relationship, echo in every intimate moment you have 7 years later

Maybe you hate me as much as I hate you.

I truly hate you for what you did. I think I hate you. I wish I could hate you.

But I just feel sorry for you.

I feel sorry for the pitiful kid that I once knew.

The kid I failed to save.

The kid who wanted love to distract him from hurting

The kid whose mother I couldn’t replace.

The kid I wish I still wish I could have saved, even after the sound and feeling of his greed continue to linger in my body

So while I see you every week and you seem good and well-adjusted,

I’ll smile, force eye contact, and hide my shaking hands. 

I’ll deepen my voice and find solace in the fact that my face means nothing to you now.

And if you ever do, maybe you can address me with a name neither of us know anymore

Maybe even an apology for being awkward as you stammer under the spotlight of my gaze

Maybe then you’ll have to experience the bittersweetness of a long-awaited apology you know you should have given long ago, for something you’ve left unsaid